Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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