woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
