I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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