Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
