so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
