Porn is love you can see.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
