Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
