Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
