I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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