remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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