she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
