I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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