Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
