i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
