She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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