You really coming over, don't trick.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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