One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
