I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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