batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
