I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Drake has all the answers
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
