I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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