What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
