my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
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