someone threw a dead crab at me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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