I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
