I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
