remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
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