We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
