Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
third nipple confirmed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
