i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
