Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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