maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
