i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
