glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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