Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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