it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
