It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
