Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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