Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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