Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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