Can i not drive my cunt home
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
