puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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