Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
