I think my vagina is haunted
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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