She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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