Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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