Kiss
Puke
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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