Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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