Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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