I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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