I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.