i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
