How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
