He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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