I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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