so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
