I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
