dude i'm inner monologue high
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
