I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
